Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
