well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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