hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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