Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
