So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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