hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
