while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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