I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
