Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
