Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
then he tried to convert me to islam
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
