i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
