My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
