Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
sex in a hospital.. check
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
