I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
