Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
