Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
