sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize