She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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