I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I need to align my fucking chakras
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
