then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
