Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
