They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
