So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
