You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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