if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
