90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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