I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
