I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
