This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
