Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
