Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
