Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
