I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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