I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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