Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
