I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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