Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
