its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
