Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
