a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize