I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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