i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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