come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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