I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
