i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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