In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
