so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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