When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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