No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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