I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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