Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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