Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
