a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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