Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize