I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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