did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
