She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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