I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
