I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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