2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
