Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Mom said you looked used
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
