Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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