Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
