I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
