a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why didn't you poke me back
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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